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Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page
This page is for all the lies Buglers can think up. Keep the misinformation at 2-5 sentences, but if you want to create a new page to expand upon your lie in more detail, go ahead, by all means. Other than that, there are no rules (considering the fact that John is allergic to them in more than small portions). History In episode 41, a viewer wrote in to the Bugle, informing the hosts that he had expanded their Wikipedia page. Included in the e-mail was a call to arms for all Buglers to go to the Wikipedia page and add to it. Andy responded enthusiastically to the e-mail, telling all listeners to go to the page and add one lie; no facts allowed. Obviously this clashed with Wikipedia's strict moderation policy. In response to this, the same fan who wrote the e-mail created the Bugle Wiki, a place where fans could come and lie all they want. A short-lived feature on the Wikipedia page was the Misinformation section, where fans posted many semi-factual lies before Wikipedia moderators removed the section. In memoriam of that section, we recreate it on a larger scale here. The Lies Themselves * John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not the funniest podcasters on the internet. They are the funniest podcasters in the world. * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were the only men ever to share the honorific of "Sexiest Man Alive" as bestowed by the RSFTPACORSITHM (Royal Society for the Proliferation And Certification of Relative Sexiness in the Human Male) until they accidentally tore the traditional trophy in twain during an argument over which Atlantic coast should serve as mantlepiece for the Bugle virtual household. * Andy Zaltzman was a founding member of English pop band the Housemartins. Zaltzman and the group parted ways in 1986 just prior to the band's pre-Christmas number one, Caravan of Love. Although Zaltzman refuses to discuss the split, fans maintain that his contribution of mime was under-appreciated by the band and fans, who often mistook his passionate solos for the gaps between album tracks. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually made entirely of chocolate and was brought to life with the helpful magic of a singing and dancing cricket named 'Jiminy'. * For episodes 39-42, Andy has claimed to be in Edinburgh for a comedy festival... yet what kind of festival lasts 3+ weeks? It's obvious that Andy Zaltzman is in fact an assumed name of American swimmer Michael Phelps. Phelps could never decide whether he wanted to be a gold-medalist Olympic swimmer or political satirist comedian, so he decided to take on an identity for each. Congratulations on the medal record, Andy! * The kind of festival that goes on for slightly more than 3 weeks is the Edinburgh festival. However, if you regularly listen to the Bugle, there's really no need to go and see Andy Zaltzman at The Stand (2:40) as a lot of his material has appeared in the podcast. Congratulations on the testicle, Andy! * It is a well known fact John olivers stuble can light matches, and sing "The Banana King" in spanish. * John Oliver has recently confessed to being part of the conspiracy to present the moon as real rather than a large tarpaulin held aloft by helium ballons and propelled by malnourished pigeons * In episode 38 John Oliver promised all listeners of the podcast a unicorn, if they sent in a picture of themselves and he judged them "decent". needless to say this was a lie. why he lied nobody knows. some believe it was some form of anti-semitism directed towards Andy's ankle although this is just an accusation and can not be certified. * John Oliver likes the Queen's butt and he cannot lie. * The Bugle has never been recorded live from the London Zoo due to the fact that Andy Zaltzman has a mortal fear of both artificial jungle environments and meerkats. * John Oliver is a trained matador but only practices the sport in Rhode Island. Alas, Rhode Island is suprisingly bull-free. *Contrary to what we have been led to believe, John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not British comedians. John Oliver is actually a giant talking cuckoo clock and Andy Zaltzman is the reanimated corpse of former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew in a clown wig. * Since the launch of the podcast Bugling has become the most popular leisure activity in the UK. In school playgrounds all over the country young children have been crazed by Buglemania and spend every free minute squabbling over whose turn it is to be Andy or John. * Usian Bolt was listening to the Bugle whilst winning the 2008 100m Olympic final. * Rumours persist that Andy's lost bin has become the leader of a terroristic impala organisation determined to overthrow Zaltzman from the Bugle and become John Oliver's new co-Bugler. * John Oliver's first foray into showbusiness was his starring role as the baby in Jim Henson's Labyrinth. The experience left him with heavy psychological scarring and Mr Oliver was eventually forced to leave Britain by Andy Zaltzman's penchant for bursting through the window of his flat at night wearing a Tina Turner wig and singing 'Dance. Magic Dance!' while juggling his crystal balls. * Brigadier Andy Zaltzman first came to international attention when he attended the final of the Swansea scrabble tournemant. Commentators described his spectating style as a "laid back, intelligent style of watching" and he was particularly praised for not losing his cool when the umpire allowed the word "jaffacake" to stand despite the collection of letters blatantly violating every rule in the book and the regrettable role of the popular snack in the future death by choking of his long lost brother Gareth Zaltzman. Gareth Zaltzman would eventually meet Andy the day before the tragic events where two madmen distracted him with a plate of jaffa cakes before shoving skittles down his throat until the twitching stopped. * The show was almost ended in February 2006 when Andy and John had a argument over a cock meat sandwich. They attempted to end the show and part different ways but when they presented this to The Times they discovered that the original contracts they signed when they started the show legally binds their friendship and made either of them leaving the show impossible. But to this day it's been said you can heard the resentment in both Andy and John's voices * William Howard Taft, the dead president, is a big fan of the Bugle, and has it played endlessly in his grave, though he resents its implication that he has no balls. * As an infant, Andy went through a difficult phase where he insisted that he was the former Pasha of Tripoli and Turkish privateer Turgut Reis, and subsequently attempted a one man invasion of the Mediterranean island of Malta after learning it had abandoned the British Empire in 1964. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually born in Birmingham, Alabama. * John Oliver is secretly John Dawlish, Ex Auror of the Ministry of Magic who was famous for getting owned by Albus Dumbledore, Augusta Longbottom (Neville Longbottom's grandmother), and pretty much anyone with a wand. Andy on the other hand is probably a muggle who gets regular Memory Charms when the still punch drunk Dawlish forgets that not everyone needs to know about his pet Krup, Twitchy. * John Oliver is not a real person, but in fact a character who has been perpetuated by a string of British comedians. When the reigning John Oliver grows so rich or disillusioned that he wants to retire, he calls his protege into his office and shares his most closely-guarded secret: "I am not John Oliver," he says. "My name is Bruce; I inherited the podcast from the previous John Oliver, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real John Oliver either. His name was Geoffrey. The real John Oliver has been retired fifteen years and is living like a king in Patagonia." * A Zaltzman-Oliver manifold is a manifold with SU(n) holonomy. Equivalently, it is a Cleese manifold with a vanishing first Milligan class. That is, a manifold is Zaltzman-Oliver if and only if it admits a Cleese metric, g , the Cook tensor of which is a total derivative. By analogy of SU(n) < U(n) with SO(n) < O(n) , one can think of a Zaltzman-Oliver manifold as a complex oriented Cleese manifold. * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were both members of short-lived indie band It’s A Boy! (playing drums and lead guitar respectively), along with singer Mark Johnson and bassist John Smith. Their debut single “I Like To Dance (With You)” was released on independent record label Young and Lost Club; however it failed to sell out its limited press of 500. The band decided to call it a day with a chaotic live show at Camden venue The Enterprise, during which Zaltzman set fire to his drum kit before throwing it into the sell-out crowd. The fate of Johnson and Smith is unknown. *John Oliver has a core temperature of 372°C (701.6 °F) * Andy Zaltzman has a hymen, though he refuses to admit it *John Oliver has not exploded in 9.7 minutes * Andy Zaltzman eats a kumqwat before every bugle * John Oliver, is a leprechaun who regularly consumes HGH, and this has partially mutated him into a volcano * John Oliver is currently thinking about penguins * Zaltzman won the prestigious 2007 TICA cat of the year award under his one-time stage name Purrsession Frosty the Snowman. * According to The Bugle's 1916 Official Road Guide a trip from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Lincoln Highway was "something of a sporting proposition" and might take 20 to 30 days. The guide offered this sage advice: "Don't wear new shoes." * The legendary Zaltzman-Oliver clan fued (1878-1891) was begun by Randolph "Ole Ran'l" Zaltzman and William Anderson "Devil Anse" Oliver along the Tug Fork River in Birmingham. The feud claimed more than a dozen members of the two families, becoming headline news around the country and compelling the governors of both Liverpool and West Virginia to call up their state militias to restore order after the disappearance of dozens of bounty hunters sent to calm the conflict. Peace was announced by playing a bugle across the valley. It is in honor of this peace-announcing bugle that the descendents of the original feud created The Bugle audio newspaper. * John Oliver is well adapted for digging, with short but powerful limbs and curved, thick claws. Unlike Zaltzman and other sciurids, Oliver's spine is curved, more like that of a mole, and the tail is comparably shorter as well – only about one-fourth of body length. * Andy Zaltzman is famed among comedians for having six fingers on his left hand. This condition, known as polydactylism, can be traced to his ancestor Sir Felix Zaltzman, father of Anne Boleyn. * The Bugle, who's title comes from Isaiah 21:8, is known worldwide as the major publication distributed by Jehovah's Witnesses in their door-to-door ministry. *John Oliver found the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time. *the very existence of the bugle is only the result of an elaborate wager between oliver & Zaltzman, where the last person left on gets not only the heart of the white hot symbol of love & passion that is Florence Nightingale, but also the last slice of pizza ever to be blessed by pope Jean Paul II (thats toppings are considered by most gastro-sociological analysts to be that of the modern hawiian style). neither item has been deemed safe for human consumption. *"John Oliver" is Sanksrit for "Audio Cryptic Crossword". * In March 2008 The Bugle became the first podcast to feature live open heart surgery * Andy Zaltzman is running for President in 2008, ignoring the fact that one has to be an American in order to do so. At the same time John Oliver is desperately trying to become Queen. * Cherie Blaire is really John Oliver in drag. Give it up John. It's not a good look and you're not fooling anyone that Cherie is a real woman. * Had John Oliver been alive, he would have assassinated Hitler at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with a poison tipped javelin, thus preventing the Holocaust and World War II. Needless to say, there's blood on your hands Mr. and Mrs. Oliver, for not birthing John in sufficient time. *Andy Zaltzman has been a regular scorer on Test Match Special since Bill Frindall's decision after the the Third Ashes Test Match in 2005 to join Columbian guerilla movement FARC. *Bill Gates, famous multibillionaire and mob boss, paid for and helped set up the Bugle wikipedia page. He has been friends with John Oliver ever since John rescued him from a sinking battleship (the USS Nightingale) near the Canary Isles on November 14, 1992. Mr. Gates tries to spend at least ten hours a week with John and considers him to be his quasi-british guardian angel. *Both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are skilled poets, specialising in iambic pentameter. Zaltzman frequently switches to trochaic foot, while Oliver is known to throw meter out the window entirely, except when plagiarising early '90s rap artists.